my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
