i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
