I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
