Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize