Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
