Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
