I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
