So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Floor bacon is actually really good
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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