There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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