I faked an abortion last night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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