I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
