watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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