using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
