a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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