the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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