I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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