I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
