Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize