I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
