I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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