Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
