u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
