Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
