There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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