Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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