he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
