I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
