I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
