Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
