Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
