if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
