I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
