I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
