can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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