I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
