Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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