my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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