I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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