D3 body, D1 cock
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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