I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
