Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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