Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
