I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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