mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
