You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's shark week go big or go home
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
