oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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