nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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