She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
