In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize