Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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