I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
