Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Randomize
