Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
