Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
